(Satire) This week the NCAA declared Auburn University star QB Cam Newton eligible to play in Saturday’s SEC championship game versus Steve Spurrier’s South Carolina Gamecocks.
Emboldened and energized by the NCAA’s decision, Newton’s embattled father Cecil escalated his future demands regarding his Heisman hopeful son.
The elder Newton mandated these Mariah Carey-type diva demands, requiring that:
The Heisman Trophy would need to be plated in 18 carat gold, so that is Cam is ultimately selected, Cecil could melt down the metal to help cover his burgeoning legal expenses.
Frito Lay would need to name a new chip after the younger Newton if the stellar QB advances past South Carolina to the Tostitos BCS championship game in Glendale, Arizona on January 10, 2011.
Dell Computers would need to funish Cam with a lifetime supply of laptops, so that the pilfering QB prodigy wouldn’t be tempted to steal another on in the future, further risking his NFL eligibility and marketability.
Cecil Newton could not be reached for comment. He was purportedly behind closed doors, shamelessly offering would be sports agent Kenny Rogers a second chance of bringing in bigger bucks, while Cam is still eiligible.
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MIKE – aka Mike Raffone – thee ultimate talking head on sports!