(Satire) Yesterday Rivals.com reported that Rutgers University landed the single biggest coup in this year’s NCAA College Football National Signing Day by inking Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi to a binding commitment.
According to head coach Greg Schiano, the irreverent, infamous and inane personality known as Snooki of MTV’s Jersey Shore fame officially signed with the Scarlet Knights and is projected to start as Rutgers’ fullback next season.
Often the target of public disdain and recently caricatured on both South Park and Saturday Night Live, Snooki’s celebrity status is expected to fill last season’s vacant seats with spirited Garden State spectators in Rutgers’ recently expanded Rutgers Stadium.
Unfazed by the national ridicule of his Snooki signing, Schiano praised the toughness of Rutgers’ newest fullback recruit. “Snooki can really take a hit, as evidenced by the drunk who punched her squarely in her fake-tan face during the Jersey Shore premiere season. Now that’s the kind of lead blocker I want on my team.”
Quick to defend Snooki’s football scholarship, Schiano also shared, “This girl is tough, relentless and can take all kinds of crap. She’s already defended demeaning diatribes from the Situation and nasty jabs from JWoww. Anticipated on-the-field insults from future Big East football opponents should be a no-brainer for her. Snooki’s notoriously hard-nosed, hard-charging trash mouth has already equipped her for the smash-mouth style of Big East football we play here in Piscataway.”
Still stoked about scooping other BCS conference coaches in snatching MTV’s Snooki, Schiano fussed over the future of his feisty fullback and proffered, “Snooki is the ideal Rutgers fullback. Built close to the ground with a low center of gravity, she’s got a HUGE upper body and has shown she can really grind it out, as demonstrated repeatedly in her reality TV role.
“Hey, that’s R-O-L-E, fellas, and not R-O-L-L. Don’t want you guys thinking I’m takin’ a cheap shot at this new short, thick-waisted, sassy recruit.”
The Rutgers football coach rounded out his recruiting remarks about Snooki: “Yup, Snooki’s already demonstrated a proven consistency throughout an entire course of a season to eagerly give up her body on a regular basis. If she’s done it willingly and routinely on the Jersey Shore TV show, I’m confident she’ll willingly and regularly give it all up for her teammates too on the football field. Now that’s what I call a real football playa!”
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE – thee American made voice on sports!