(Satire) CBS News’ “60 Minutes” reported yesterday that the seemingly unending saga surrounding WikiLeaks will soon surface in the sports world.
During last night’s television interview with Julian Assange—the WikiLeaks founder currently under United States criminal investigation—”60 Minutes” learned that the Aussie plans to allow sensitive and private information to leak, thus divulging the dastardly behavior of some of last year’s most demonized, dubious and high-profile sports news makers.
Speculation surrounding some sports celebrities who would be affected or embarrassed by the imminent WikiLeaks include:
University of Kentucky coach John Calipari—WikiLeaks to reveal the never-before-seen smoke and mirrors that have kept the slick Coach Cal one fast break ahead of eager NCAA investigators.
FIFA president Sepp Blatter—WikiLeaks to unearth photos of just what Seppie Boy was smoking the morning he awarded the 2022 World Cup to the lunar landscape known as the country of Qatar.
Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert—WikiLeaks to make public a notarized, profanity-laced statement of what he really wanted to say publicly to departing Ohio-born basketball star LeBron James.
MLB Switch Hitters—WikiLeaks to rile homophobic fans by releasing a list of their never-before-seen favorite Major League Baseball players who switch hit…on and off the field.
UConn women’s coach Geno Aurieamma—WikiLeaks to publish ESPN’s “real” ratings of Stanford’s stopping UConn’s historic 89-game winning streak. Much to Geno’s dismay, the game drew only 40 percent of what ESPN Deportes drew covering the Guatemala versus Honduras Men’s Central America quarter final ice hockey championship game held on a makeshift rink before 113 fans in Tegucigalpa.
Oft-retired NFL grizzled great Brett Favre—WikiLeaks to post embarrassing PDFs of the QB’s private parts wriggling out of ol’ No. 4’s Wranglers. And, thank God, none of his parts are leaking!
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE—the American-made voice on sports!