Albert Haynesworth Passes Redskins’ Test (Satire)

(Satire) Washington Redskins’ defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth finally passed his mandatory conditioning test yesterday at the team’s practice facility in Ashburn, VA.

Haynesworth successfully completed two sets of back-and-forth 25-yard sprints, passing two dozen buffet tables laden with barbequed ribs, Southern fried chicken, hot biscuits and gravy, and double-dipped chocolate donuts with sprinkles . . . all in under the required four minutes with just a ninety minute nap in between.

With iceburg quickness, Haynesworth exhibited amazing willpower as he lumbered by both rows of bountiful fried feasts and delectable desserts.

Redskins coach Mike Shanahan praised his $100M+ defensive tackle’s poise under pressure, commenting, “The fried chicken smelled and looked especially good!”

However, Shanahan feared Haynesworth may have re-tweeked his sore left knee shortly before ending his obligatory run when Big 92 stopped, in cruise ship type suddenness, for a second whiff of the barbequed spare ribs.

Washington’s medical staff quickly reported that Haynesworth’s knee would be re-examined and that the run stopper’s daily diet of carrots, sesame seeds, tofu and a 6 oz. lean chicken breast would be closely monitored.

Haynesworth, who had not spoken to the media before Saturday, publicly thanked Biggest Loser’s Jillian Michaels for coaching through this arduous and tempting ordeal.

The Redskins’ star lineman now faces his next big test. Can he successfully get off the field when substituted . . . .before the NFL’s 25 second play clock expires . . . or will he need to stop for a snack before reaching the sidelines?

Straight Talk. No Static.

MIKE – thee American Made Voice on Sports!

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